Your Cute (2018)
Inspired by one too many bad dates, "Your Cute" (yes, the spelling is intentional) is a short, comedic opera set in the 21st century. Chad's dates don't seem to be going too well - maybe it's because he vapes in front of his dates. With modernized send-ups of Modern Major General, Carmen, La Boheme and Rigoletto, this opera might be the final straw for you to delete your Tinder.
Photos by Tim Nguyen
Modern Major Chad (in the style of Modern Major General)
I’m single! I’m the greatest gentleman from near and far and I’m an intellectual! I am wealthy and I’m handsome and I’m truly above all!
Hold on a sec, and if I can recall, you said you’re truly above all?
Yes, yes, I am truly above all!
You make me want to chug methanol!
I’m what you want in a man!
You’re a human garbage can!
And it is it is a glorious thing to be ripped like superman!
You can’t justify that you are any kind of decent guy, you’re unemployed, undignified, and that’s just when I simplify, “you’re woker than a rabbi”, which you felt the need to specify. But every time you talk you sound like you’re still stuck in junior high. You take hours to reply, your face makes little children cry, and please just let me clarify, that you are awful, so goodbye.
Please just let me clarify, you will regret saying goodbye!
I’m very good at seeing through the douchebags of the world like you, you are never ever someone I would ever be into, someone telling you off is something that’s been long overdue, and after this I hope that no one ever has to talk to you!
Cassia (in the style of Carmen)
This is not what I signed up for, I am so shook in my core. You are a high key racist bro, you have no soul under your ego. Why are you such a piece of shit? Girls aren’t something to hit and quit. Can’t you see that you’re not swaggy, if you think you’re lit well I disagree. Fuck you!
You were hot but you began to talk, I can pick up tens on my morning walk. You should be grateful I asked you out, just say you’re sorry and we’ll work this out.
I’m so sorry your name is Chad, did your parents hate you that bad? Trust me, I’d rather die alone, I feel triggered by your shit cologne.
You don’t know me, you basic bitch. I vape sweet clouds and I’m super rich. You’re just a 3, at best a 4, I don’t care if you walk out that door.